Hmm, I made this journal for my girlfriend, I know how important writing is to her, so I decided to make it and post on it, seeing as writing does help me sort thoughts out. How to start, how to start.

Well, I'll just start with my day, starting like any other Saturday, waking up at about 9, eating breakfast, getting scolded for being on the pc too much XD and just being bored searching for something to do, playing mmo's. Except today is three days away from my finals, and I shouldn't be procrastinating. After chatting a bit with my girlfriend, she had to go offline to let her dad use the pc a bit, so I played a bit more maplestory, and went on basilmarket cause I got bored and found a video on it. It was such a sad video, it made me cry, something I don't do often, and that not much can trigger. Then I followed the youtube link and found out it's a korean love story. I googled it and found this site.

http://kongwenbin.wordpress.com/2008/05/29/the-girl-who-felt-ignored/

That story made me think about how it was before I was with my girlfriend. After my first girlfriend broke up with me, I've been single for almost a year, and it didn't bother me at first, but halfway through that year I started feeling like I needed someone. I felt like there was someone I loved, who loved me back, someone out there, but I just didn't know who. I felt like I was missing a part of me, and I my chronic depression returned partially because of that. I started thinking, "What would happen if I were to die tomorrow? Would anyone miss me? Will there be a girl lying on my corpse, crying for the accident that occurred? Would there be anyone at my funeral thinking that they had things they wanted to say to me?". In the end, thoughts like that made me more depressed and seeing all my friends growing closer, it didn't help a bit. But Jes was the only one who seemed to still care about me, even though most people were busy with their lives and loves, Jes seemed like the only one who would need me. I started falling for her, though I didn't know it at the time, and when I did, I begged it to not be true, that I didn't love her, because the circumstances weren't the best, and at the time, I thought that being with her was an impossible thing. I didn't want to love her, but at the same time, it was something I've been waiting for forever. And the closer we grew, the more I dreaded that it would turn into something, so I tried to find just anyone, anyone who had interests in me and I liked a bit, so I could forget her... forget that unattainable dream. But I never did, maybe out of cowardice, or maybe cause I was hanging on to that unattainable dream too hard.

And then it happened. The day that I confessed. I was feeling particularly depressed that day, being affected by the thought of being alone and not being able to be with the one I loved. I decided it was too much to keep quiet, so I started a conversation with her through sms, and ended up confessing my love to her through a message. I was expecting to receive a message back, saying that she was flattered but she didn't feel the same, or a message apologizing, or just plainly getting no message back. Then I received the message. The one that made my heart skip a beat. She confessed her love to me as well, though she did say that being with her boyfriend at the time, we couldn't do anything about it. I "knew" then that being with her really was impossible, so I tried harder than ever to forget her. To let go of the unattainable dream. Days past after that day, and we would chat, about our feelings, about "us" being impossible, about keeping quiet. It was our little secret, our little forbidden fruit, the forbidden love we shared.

First day after the vacation(that was when I confessed), first day of school, we spoke more to each other about it, and we resolved that we would keep both our feelings quiet to avoid problems and because it was just "impossible". But at least we were still friends, I thought. At recess, she came to me with a notebook in her hand. She wrote me a poem, telling me we couldn't be, that she was sorry. I smiled and told her it was okay, I hugged her, I told her not to worry about me. But that hurt... That felt like a knife stabbing through my heart, going deep and draining the blood from it. But in a way, it was a stab I needed. I needed to be returned to reality, and stop dreaming. I needed to focus on my life, and forget that ever happened. I was depressed for the day, but kept a nice smile so she wouldn't feel as bad. The next day however, we spent time, closer than friends are supposed to. And at the end of the day, we were cuddling like we always did, something else that was too close for friends to do, and she told me something I wouldn't forget. The words that made me happier than anything.

"I...I have something I want to say, it's at the tip of my tongue but I can't say it"
"What is it?
"I...I love you..."
"..."
"I love you too"

I have to admit, though it made me so happy to hear those words from her mouth, even though I knew it, it made me all the more confused. "Wasn't she the one that told me we couldn't be? Didn't she write me a poem yesterday apologizing to me and telling me so?" It just made me want to forget the whole thing even more, and even though I was happier than before, I was still depressed.

But now, after a complicated, emotional, tiring and guilt-wracked week, it was over. We were finally together, we were finally a couple. And to this day, I don't regret ever having told her
Those Three Words...